Paul Ferraresi

I have worked with couples in their comprehensive financial planning for more than 37 years. It is amazing how “money struggles” emerge and create conflict with our money partner for life.

Men were once the main “bread winners” and many today feel they should have complete decision making authority about the couples’s spending, saving and life goals. Women, typically, are socialized to share decision making, no matter who makes more money.

These conflicts may come about as opposites attract. (Funny I always have seen a spender marry a saver. Rarely, do you see two spenders marry or two savers marry).

Research has found that couples may be polarized in seven behaviors.

Conflict No. 1: Saver vs. Spenders
The market meltdown, credit crunch, and job insecurity all give Savers an edge today. However, a more frugal lifestyle will increase Spenders need to soothe or reward themselves for the stress it causes them. As a result spenders in power-struggle relationship may well feel even more judged and controlled. Instead of continuing to sacrifice for a day that may never come, they may rebel and sneak gratification now.

Conclict 2: Worrier vs. Avoider
The financial crisis will intensify the stress modes of these money types, a common couple’s polarization. Right now, many Worriers are cringing at the latest market news and losing sleep to visions of bankruptcy, while Avoiders blithely ignore financial headlines and file their 401(K) statements unread.

Conflict 3: Planner vs. Dreamer
In a Couple whose stored-up resentments typify the power struggle dyamic, Dreamers will fantasize about life where work is no longer central. They may want to travel to exotic places, sell the house and buy an RV or start a whole new direction. Meanwhile, their Planner spouses are trying to calculate a retirement budget, estimate portfolio yield, or, chart their Social Security Options.

Conflict No. 4: Money Monk vs. Money Amasser
This is one of the hardest couples’ oppositions to heal. Money Monks tend to look forward to retirement as an opportunity to simplify life and give it more meaning and purpose, far away from the corrupting influence of money. Their Amasser partners, on the other hand, will be focused (possibly even obsessed) with growing their assets so they can feel more successful, powerful, happy, and secure.

Conflict 5: The Risk Taker vs. The Risk Avoider
In the The Third Age, The Risk Taker (often male) may want to sell everything and buy a boat to sail around the world. The Risk Avoider, by contrast, may prefer to deep her attachment to home, family, and friends rather than radically changing her life.

Conflict 6: Money Merger vs. Money Separatist
When a wife inherits money from a relative she may want to keep some or all of it separate. If her husband has been the primary breadwinner so far and the couple has totally merged the rest of their money, his reaction is likely to be hurt and anger: “All these years when I made most of the money, you were fine sharing it. Now you finally have some money to share, and you want to keep it to yourself?” He may perceive her as selfish and unfair, and fear that she doesn’t trust him or is even planning to leave him.

Conflict No. 7: Polarizing and Different Priorities
Most people are a blend of these money styles. In addition, just about any couple will take the opposite stances on individual priorities. This may be because of their different goals. For example, he wants to go to graduate school and she would rather contribute that money to a Third World Country.

Whatever their polarization, both spouses need to become equal partners for the sake of a successful intimate relationship. Power and decision – making should be shared, no matter who is still working and who isn’t, and no matter who makes or made the most money.