Paul Ferraresi

I have worked with couples in their comprehensive financial planning for more than 37 years. It is amazing how “money struggles” emerge and create conflict with our money partner for life.

Men were once the main “bread winners” and many today feel they should have complete decision making authority about the couples’s spending, saving and life goals. Women, typically, are socialized to share decision making, no matter who makes more money.

These conflicts may come about as opposites attract. (Funny I always have seen a spender marry a saver. Rarely, do you see two spenders marry or two savers marry).

Research has found that couples may be polarized in seven behaviors.

Conflict No. 1: Saver vs Spenders
The market meltdown, credit crunch, and job insecurity all give Savers an edge today. However, a more frugal lifestyle will increase Spenders need to soothe or reward themselves for the stress it causes them. As a result spenders in power-struggle relationship may well feel even more judged and controlled. Instead of continuing to sacrifice for a day that may never come, they may rebel and sneak gratification now.

Conclict 2: Worrier vs. Avoider
The financial crisis will intensify the stress modes of these money types, a common couple’s polarization. Right now, many Worriers are cringing at the latest market news and losing sleep to visions of bankruptcy, while Avoiders blithely ignore financial headlines and file their 401(K) statements unread.

Conflict 3: Planner vs. Dreamer
In a Couple whose stored-up resentments typify the power struggle dyamic, Dreamers will fantasize about life where work is no longer central. They may want to travel to exotic places, sell the house and buy an RV or start a whole new direction. Meanwhile, their Planner spouses are trying to calculate a retirement budget, estimate portfolio yield, or, chart their Social Security Options.

Conflict No. 4: Money Monk vs. Money Amasser
This is one of the hardest couples’ oppositions to heal. Money Monks tend to look forward to retirement as an opportunity to simplify life and give it more meaning and purpose, far away from the corrupting influence of money. Their Amasser partners, on the other hand, will be focused (possibly even obsessed) with growing their assets so they can feel more successful, powerful, happy, and secure.

Conflict 5: The Risk Taker vs. The Risk Avoider
In the The Third Age, The Risk Taker (often male) may want to sell everything and buy a boat to sail around the world. The Risk Avoider, by contrast, may prefer to deep her attachment to home, family, and friends rather than radically changing her life.

Conflict 6: Money Merger vs. Money Separatist
When a wife inherits money from a relative she may want to keep some or all of it separate. If her husband has been the primary breadwinner so far and the couple has totally merged the rest of their money, his reaction is likely to be hurt and anger: “All these years when I made most of the money, you were fine sharing it. Now you finally have some money to share, and you want to keep it to yourself?” He may perceive her as selfish and unfair, and fear that she doesn’t trust him or is even planning to leave him.

Conflict No. 7: Polarizing and Different Priorities
Most people are a blend of these money styles. In addition, just about any couple will take the opposite stances on individual priorities. This may be because of their different goals. For example, he wants to go to graduate school and she would rather contribute that money to a Third World Country.

Whatever their polarization, both spouses need to become equal partners for the sake of a successful intimate relationship. Power and decision – making should be shared, no matter who is still working and who isn’t, and no matter who makes or made the most money.

July 1st is the half way mark of the year. Ah, those, lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer are upon us. Just 6 months ago you and everyone else were filled with excitement and enthusiasm for the New Year.

The slate had been cleaned fresh and you listed out all the dreams and goals you wanted to accomplish this year. How have you done? Hmmm! We are at the half way mark heading to the finish line. Have you looked at the goals you drafted out on a weekly basis? Have you tried to do one thing each week to get closer to that goal?

With six months remaining in the year, if you have not moved ahead on any or few of your goals it may look overwhelming. This is when people quit. NO! Take one of your goals on your list and let’s at least work on this one. Say your goal was to lose 10 pounds this year. If you have had no progress then, let’s try to lose just two (2) pounds by year end. (The real deadline will be November 1st because you know it can be difficult to lose weight over the holidays.) Do not worry about the weight. Just write down one thing that you will accomplish this week to get closer to that goal. For instance, think about a healthier life style, say, I will walk an extra 200 steps every day. That’s it. Next week add one more accomplishment to the above; for example, I will replace one of my meals with only fruits and vegetables this week. If you add one new item each week it will not be overwhelming and you will more than surpass the goal of losing 2 pounds.

You know, my wife has never competed in team sports in her life. Over a year ago she started attending a woman’s boot camp. Each morning she got up at 5:30 am with me and she headed off to her torture camp while I did my own routine. At first it was difficult but she moved ahead. She incurred a stress fracture on her foot and was in a “boot ” for about six weeks. To mark time during the boot phase she worked with a trainer at a gym. Continuing on her new “health kick” she next decided to join a woman’s running group after only one year of the boot camp. Well, she is still doing the boot camp, on track to do her first half marathon this January, works a minimum 60 hours per week, is doing strength training, and, has to live with me (that is a boot camp all on its own). She encountered, in her running, a re-injury of her stress fracture and numerous muscle pulls with much pain. She is dedicated and can “see the finish line”! You see, she has added a little bit every day. I am so proud of her and cannot wait to see her at the finish line. She is the model of a true winner.

In closing, may I stay on the topic of your health? As a start, visit www.adultfitness.org. You can take the President’s challenge which will give you a health base line. Also, I found a web site run by Dr. Michael Roizea who follows the concepts of holistic medicine. He has a quiz that allows you to determine your “true age” versus your “calendar years”! It is a simple quiz that takes a few minutes.

You see, one of Dr. Roizea’s patients, a smoker, took the test and found he was 10 years older than his calendar years of 47. It showed he was 57 which was the age the patient’s father had died at. So, with a few small changes the patient has subsequently now reduced his calendar age. Go to www.realage.com, sign in and take the quiz. It will be a eye opener. On the home page hit the drop down menu at “my real age”, then hit “Take the real age test.” Take the quiz. It is free. I think “getting younger than you are” may be a great goal to work on for the rest of this year Remember what Satchel Paige said…how old would you be if you didn’t know how old you were?

I look forward to seeing YOU at the finish line with all of the other winners.

One of my mentors, Jim Rohn, repeated successful strategies I had once learned. This catapulted me to higher levels! Here are some excerpts from his writings….

So, what are some good ideas on developing a plan that will work well and take you to the finish line powerfully and in style? Here are some major points to keep in mind.

Develop the Plan for You. Some people are very detail oriented and they will be able to follow an intricate plan closely. Others are a little more “free-wheeling” and not really “detail” people. That is okay too. In all the years of my speaking to audiences worldwide, people have asked the question, “what plan is the right plan?” And my answer, the plan that fits you. Your plan, the one you develop that is unique to you and for you. You see, each of us is unique and motivated by different factors and you’ve got to develop one that is right for you and fits you. Some plans will not be as intricate as others but we all must have a plan, along with goals in that plan, to move us along the program. If you are a free spirit type, don’t tell yourself you are going to spend 2 hours a day with a book and tapes and journal. It probably won’t happen and you will get discouraged! Whatever your personality, your strengths and your weaknesses, develop the plan around them! This is not a one-plan-fits-all proposition.

Establish Times to Spend Working on the Material. It may be every Sunday night. It may be 20 minutes each morning. It may be in the car listening to the CD’s every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Whatever it is, set the times to do it. In your step-by-step plan, put down points that you can accomplish every week. They should be specific and achievable. Develop the discipline and take those steps everyday, which will move you closer to your goals and where you want to be.

Keep a Journal. Take notes. It may be on paper, it may be on micro-recorder. Mr. Shoaff taught me not to trust my memory, but write it down, to find one place to gather the information that affects change. And that advice has served me well all these years. Record the ideas and inspiration that will carry you from where you are to where you want to be. Take notes on the ideas that impact you most. Put down your thoughts and ideas. Brainstorm with yourself on where you are going and what you want to do. Record your dreams and ambitions. Your journals are a gathering place for all the valuable information that you will find. If you are serious about becoming wealthy, powerful, sophisticated, healthy, influential, cultured, unique, if you come across something important write it down. Two people will listen to the same material and different ideas will come to each one. Use the information you gather and record it for further reflection, for future debate and for weighing the value that it is on you.

Reflect. Create time for reflection – a time to go back over, to study again the things you’ve learned and the things you’ve done each day. I call it “running the tapes again” so that the day locks firmly in your memory so that it serves as a tool. As you go through the material in this plan, you will want to spend time reflecting on its significance for you. Regularly set aside time – here are some good guidelines for times to reflect: At the end of the day. Take a few minutes at the end of each day and go back over the day – who’d you talk to, who’d you see, what did they say, what happened and how’d you feel, what went on. A day is the piece of the mosaic of your life. Next, take a few hours at the end of the week to reflect on the week’s activities – I would suggest at least one half-hour. Also during that weekly time, take a few minutes to reflect on how this material should be applied to your life and circumstances. Take a half day at the end of the month and a weekend at the end of the year so that you’ve got it so that it never disappears, to ensure that the past is even more valuable and will serve your future well.

Set Goals. While we are going to cover this soon enough in upcoming weeks, let’s just remember that your plan is the roadmap for how you are going to get to your goals, so you have to have them. Of all the things that changed my life for the better (and most quickly), it was learning how to set goals. Mastering this unique process can have a powerful affect on your life too. I remember shortly after I met Mr. Shoaff, he asked me if I had a list of my goals, and of course I didn’t. He suggested to me that because I lacked a set of clearly defined goals that he could guess my bank balance within a few hundred dollars… and he did! Well, Mr. Shoaff immediately began helping me define my view of the future, my dreams. He taught me to set goals because it is the greatest influence on a person’s future and the greatest force that will pull a person in the direction that they want to go. But the future must be planned, well designed to exert a force that pulls you towards the promise of what can be.

Act. Act on your plan. What separates the successful from the unsuccessful so many times is that the successful simply do it. They take action, they aren’t necessarily smarter than other; they just work the plan. And the time to act is when the emotion is strong. Because if you don’t, here’s what happens – it’s called the law of diminishing intent. We intend to act when the idea strikes us, when the emotion is high, but if we delay and we don’t translate that into action fairly soon, the intention starts to diminish, diminish and a month from now it’s cold and a year from now it can’t be found. So set up the discipline when the idea is strong, clear and powerful – that’s the time to work the plan. Otherwise the emotion is wasted unless you capture the emotion and put it into disciplined activities and translate it into equity. And here’s what is interesting: all disciplines affect each other; everything affects everything. That’s why the smallest action is important – because the value and benefits that you receive from that one little action will inspire you to do the next one and the next one… So step out and take action on your plan because if the plan is good, then the results can be miraculous.

Like we said last week, we are at the beginning of a fantastic journey that is going to help us become all that we want to – so let’s get going!

As the end of June approaches, that means summer is here and we are halfway through the year – so putting it in sporting terms: It’s Halftime! Yes, on January 1st you set your goals for the new year with zest and zeal.

In a sporting event, the players are given a break at the half in order to refresh themselves, look at how they played in the first half, and set strategy for the second half. So as you approach halftime, here are some thoughts. Do you have a vacation planned in the next two months that will give you the needed break and refreshment? If not, schedule one this week! How did you “play” in the first half of this year? Have you met your goals that you established at the beginning of the year? Here are a few ideas to evaluate where you are at with your goals as you approach the halfway mark.

Take some time to sit down alone and review your goals. How many are you on mark to make? How many have you not even begun on? How many have you achieved?

For those you haven’t even begun, my suggestion would be to reset your goal at 10 percent of the original goal. Obviously this goal hasn’t been a priority, for whatever reason, and most likely won’t suddenly become so. But you can make some ground. Set a small increase for the remaining six months and get ahead a little in these areas.

For the goals you are on pace to achieve, try to stretch about 10 percent. So, to give it a numerical value, if your original goal was 10 and you have already reached 5 after halfway, stretch yourself to try to achieve 11 by the end of the year. This will give you a good reason to kick into high gear as the year progresses.

For those goals you are on pace to break strongly through, try an increase of 50 percent.

And finally, for the goals you have already reached, try to set the new goal at 100 percent of the original goal.

In all of these remember that it is better to try hard, and even fail at a higher goal, than to take the easy route and attain nothing at all!

Best of luck as you re-evaluate your goals!

Goals are things you may want to do or have. Purpose is using your money to fulfill your core values. It is our job, here at Founders Group, Inc., to help our clients align those values with their decisions about money. Achieving this balance will greatly enhance your likelihood of experiencing happiness and peace of mind. As Olivia Mellon, Ph. D., author and psychologist says, “If your relationship with money is not in balance, no amount of money will help you. It is our job (as financial planners) to help our clients find balance around money”.

I have asked all of my clients what their goals are, get a response like, “I want to accumulate $3 million by the time I am 60 years old.” Of course, this may be a goal, but it certainly isn’t a purpose. What is the underlying value behind that statement? It could be several things. Perhaps $3 million represents security, or freedom, or power, or peace of mind. When I get a response like that, I probe much deeper to discover what it is the client really wants.

If I were to ask this hypothetical client who wants to accumulate $3 million how he would want to be remembered, it is doubtful that he would say “as a person who accumulated $3 million.” Understanding the core value that is driving the goal will help me to better provide you with better advice.

When was the last time you read an obituary that said, “Frank will be remember most for his large home, his Mercedes and his bank account.” By asking clients how they want to be remembered will facilitate a discussion about their core values. From there you can live those values by aligning your decisions about money with those values.

While we all know that money is a means to an end, it seems that we need reminding from time to time. An article written on the Web site www.MoneyInstructor.com tells us the following story about a financial advisor who was working with an 85-year-old man to finalize his estate plan:

“The man had built what began as a small estate up to the sizeable sum of $8 million. Unfortunately, the man had also recently lost his wife of 40 years. It was during the discussion of how the money was to be dispersed that the man had the sudden realization that the money he has spent his entire life stockpiling would never be used for his or his wife’s enjoyment or benefit and therefore it was essentially worthless. The old model does not work because the old model gets the fundamentals wrong. Understanding the purpose of money is the starting point to offering good money management advice and to making good money management decisions.”

In order to understand a client’s values and help them identify a purpose for their money, I need to ask the appropriate questions. For every goal or desire expressed by our clients, we ask whether it represents a core value for them. Or is it just something they would like to do, or something they feel obligated to do. One example is asking them how they feel about philanthropy. Perhaps they classify that as a core value, but they have made no provisions in their estate plans for charitable giving. Instead, they feel an obligation to leave all of their money to their children. Of course, giving money to charity may be a goal, but shouldn’t we probe further to determine what the underlying value is? If that value is “making a difference” and they understand that, philanthropy would be one way to live in alignment with that value, and they may decide to use some of their assets to help fund causes that are important to them.

Peter Vadia, Ph. D., co-founder of SpiritHealth, wrote, “ When one comes from one’s core values, one’s inner sense of what is important in life and living … is at the heart of a life well lived, at work, at home and at play … and is at the heart of creativity, self management, self-responsibility, healthy behavior (mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, social, financial). Money, in this sense, has a different emotional and psychological energy around it, a softer energy, not unlike the energy reflected in one who says, “I love my work and I can’t believe I get paid for doing this.”

Our firm’s mission is a simple one: “To improve the quality of our client’s lives.” Helping them to find a purpose for their money is a key to fulfilling that mission.

I hope this article has helped in your understanding of “you”. As always let me know your thoughts.